grief.

it has been 8 months to the day i finally understood what grief is.

i have lost pets, friends, relatives before but it never really strikes home until someone whom you thought will always be there passes on.

back then, death was something that only happened with other families.
back then, mouthing condolences and offering sympathy was heartfelt but rarely brings in the sadness that mirrors that of the bereaved.

denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
the stages of grief that you are supposed to go through.

but i don’t think this will ever be the case with me. i can not be angry that my dad died simply because it meant it took away the pain he has been dealing silently for the past months of his life. i am wont to bargain because how can i bargain if it means extending his suffering?
at times, i accept that he is gone. that i would never hear his voice asking if i had something for him. at other times, i still expect him to be in his old room, watching the latest show that catches his attention, regardless of the spoken language.

people might see the brave front but sometimes, a tear or two just comes out of nowhere.
yes, grief hits you anytime, anywhere. you are most vulnerable when you are alone because the mind begins to wander. but it catches you even when in a crowd, when something, or someone just reminds you of the things that will never be.

grief is a way of remembrance, so i have read. when it is too raw, that is when it hurts. but hopefully, someday soon, the rawness subsides.

and until that day comes, i seek comfort in this poem…

When I am Gone (Author Unknown)

“When I am gone, release me. Let me go.
I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears.
Be happy that we had so many beautiful years.
I gave to you my love. You can only guess
How much you gave to me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it’s time I traveled on alone.
So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must.
Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It’s only for a while that we must part,
So bless the memories within your heart.
I won’t be far away, for life goes on.
So if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near.
And if you listen with your heart,
You’ll hear all my love around you soft and clear.
And then, when you must come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and say welcome home…”